Friday, October 3, 2014

Some Days Are Tough

It's been almost 5 months.

For the last few months, I felt like I had grieved and moved on.  But there are occasions lately where things have been tough.  Especially when I have that moment of clarity where I realize... I would have been due soon.

Every time I see another pregnancy announcement, or see someone who is about as far along as I would be right now, or see someone carrying a newborn around... I feel like I want to scream.

It should be me.
It was going to be me.
It isn't me.

The most frustrating part is not being pregnant again.  I think I would feel differently if I was.  I think that's a big part of my problem.

I say this because for me, my entire life has been about working hard towards an ultimate goal, and knowing that all my efforts will yield some sort of accomplishment at the end.  Career, fitness, weight loss, personal life ... I always got the results I worked towards.  My drive pushed me there.

Getting pregnant doesn't work that way. 

Getting pregnant isn't like ramping up for a race, for example.

In race training, if I run all the base miles I need to, I'm pretty much guaranteed to get to that finish line.  It may not be the PR I was shooting for, but I'll still get there.  Even with an injury, I can still drop down to the 5K distance, limp my way across the mat, and claim that medal.

But with pregnancy, it's not like that.  You can "ramp up" and do everything right, but you can't control what's happening (or not happening) inside your own body.

I guess it just takes patience.

Which is not my strong suit.

Especially because the last time, I basically said "let's try", and it was done.  I was pregnant month one.  Now I'm on month four of "let's try again" and it's not happening.

I also know I need to remind myself of statistics. 

There is only a 15-25% chance of conceiving each month.
Only 40% of couples conceive in the first three months.
And more importantly, over 70% of couples conceive in the first six months.

For now, I just need to let go.  I need to acknowledge that sometimes in life you are handed a fate that you cannot control, and you need to accept it.

I must accept it, have patience, and find peace.

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